STILL HERE WINS GAME ONE IN BUFFALO BY 18 POINTS DESPITE ED SMITH PULLING A BUTT MUSCLE AND LOSING HIS ABILITY TO SEE IN COLOR.

STILL HERE played a balanced game to take the first round of the 50-55 age category at the Buffalo Masters, winning by 18 points.

The victory was not without its price. Ed Smith reports that one of his butt muscles no longer functions. We are unsure of what it actually did in the days when it was functioning. No one has asked Ed for additional details. Additionally, Ed’s excellent efforts on defense resulted in so much physical exertion that he claims to have lost his ability to see in color. Bear in mind --- this is day one of a three day tournament. We fully expect further injuries to Ed’s ass in the near future and will update our readers accordingly.

Bart Skinner was also a casualty with a strained Achilles tendon although skeptics suspect the he is sandbagging in order to sleep in tomorrow and watch cartoons. In the Skinner family tradition, Bart began what he obviously intended to be a coast-to-coast breakaway a solid 100 yards from the STILL HERE bucket. In fairness to Bart his first step was truly explosive. Regrettably, it was his only step --- unless you count the interesting jig he did prior to collapsing on the court looking like a man being eaten by fire ants.

Kudos go to Paul Stallings who was the STILL HERE M.V.P. with about 300 points. As Bart has pointed out, Pops sometimes plays like a man who looks like he needs a hug. Angry Paul was in full force tonight and even his teammates stepped aside in fear. Seriously, though, the old fart played like he was trying to impress a woman in the audience. Oh ---- wait ---- he was.

D-Rex was unstoppable inside. Rock hit three or four three pointers (there is disagreement on this issue) for no other reason than to be able to tell Rick Noland he did so. Rick Burgess lived up to his rep for long range shooting. Steve pulled out the Vanilla Quake And Shake Move and, as always, J.T. played balls out for the whole game.

As might be predicted, an inter-squad dilemma developed when Rock, who has given up beer for Lent, raised the hopeful question of whether or not Guinness, because it is a stout, may not in fact be a beer and therefore permissible to drink. This potential loophole was verified by a quick call to team attorney Colonel Robert Campbell, Esq., who, without hesitation, affirmed that both the Vatican and Houlihan’s Pub have agreed that stout is NOT a beer, therefore exempt from Lenten prohibitions. To be safe Rock drank Crown and Seven. We are a cautious team and reluctant to irritate God during tournament time.

Four hours until wake-up call for the next game. The unreasonable urges for sleep and sobriety call.