Sunday, August 17, 2008
Saturday, May 3, 2008
STILL HERE WINS SENIOR OLYMPICS BRONZE MEDAL DESPITE BEST EFFORTS OF TANYA HARDING
From top to bottom:• Olympic athletes respond to STILL HERE's performance in the 2008 Ohio Senior Olympics.
• The team bedecked in bronze medals. Shortly thereafter we all gave them back to protest the travesty of the Russian Basketball Team being given the gold during the 1972 Munich Olympics.
• Doing what the team does best. East. Drink. Laugh.
SENIOR OLYMPICS 2008: STILL HERE MEETS IMMOVABLE OBJECT IN SECOND GAME. ALL DOES NOT END WELL.
In game two, STILL HERE came up against a very nice man who also happens to be so large he can be in the lane for three seconds without actually being in the lane at all. He was a force. He was a zip code. He was a planet. Quote of the day credited to Damon Skinner: "He treated us like we were his cell mates." That, by the way, is a compliment. If you listen carefully you can hear the feminine wimperings of the usually robust tandem of Skinner and Bruner as they tremble in the corner squeaking about that big mean man who handed them their asses like two week-old jelly doughnuts. In one photo above you will see D-Rex about to receive an unwelcome procto exam. In the other you will notice Pops reaching over to touch the Big Man just to see if he is real. Advice of the day from our shooting guard, Rick Burgess, offered to Skinner and Bruner as a helpful suggestion: "All you have to do is just box that guy out." Thanks Rick. Guess who gets to guard the ManMountain next time!
Friday, May 2, 2008
STILL HERE ADVANCES THE STUDY OF GERONTOLOGY BY ENTERING A SQUAD IN THE OHIO SENIOR OLYMPICS.
An Over-50 STILL HERE traveling team consisting of Paul Stallings, Damon Skinner, John Takacs, Rick Burgess and Mark Bruner will be doing sweaty combat in this year’s 3-on-3 basketball category of the Ohio Senior Olympics, to be held Saturday May 3 at Memorial Hall, University of Akron.And no --- for all the inevitable smart-asses out there --- I did NOT mean to say: “Special Olympics.”
We were struck by the fact that the regulations for fielding a 3-on-3 team in the Senior Olympics program allows for a total roster of ten guys. After chuckling about the need to bring ten guys to fill three positions we then recalled that the ideal number of guys to fill five positions in our recent trip to the Masters Tournament in Buffalo would have been about 86. If our past record of injuries is any indication we may be down to two guys by the time we all get done taking our vigorous pre-game craps.
In looking down the list of sports recognized by the Ohio Senior Olympics program, the MARBLE SHOOTING category caught our eyes. I kid you not. Marble shooting is an Olympic sport for the elderly. We opted not to switch sports, however, for fear that Damon would inevitably pull two hamstrings and a groin muscle while trying to get up and off his knees to shoot an Aggie.
In other pre-tournament news, J.T. has exercised his veto power as our resident Right Winger to nix suggestions from more politically liberal quarters that STILL HERE use the Olympic event to stage some type of protest against China. Some of us still intend to have FREE TIBET written in magic marker on our jock straps.
Perhaps the most disconcerting part of the event, to-date, has been the indication by Paul that information on the Senior Olympics flows through the University of Akron’s department of AGING AND GERONTOLOGY which, presumably, is right next door to the University of Akron’s department of LIVER SPOTS AND RIGOR MORTIS.
Stay tuned, faithful readers. Damage reports will follow the Saturday games and sometime after the mandatory post-game consumption of healthy beverages.
Friday, April 4, 2008
STILL HERE: ICELAND, 2005
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZisN2Knku8
Despite having his water bottle full of Iceland's national booze: BLACK DEATH, Bob Campbell calmly hits a long shot over a much younger, somewhat dazed Viking defender.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZeEWPoLhr6w
After the games --- relaxing in the Blue Lagoon geothermic lake. The crud on the faces of STILL HERE is volcanic clay dredged off the bottom of the pond from between the toes of tourists. Honest.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfyJC-rFeJY
Saturday, March 15, 2008
STILL HERE FINISHES BUFFALO MASTERS TOURNAMENT AHEAD OF ALL OTHER TEAMS IN THE UNITED STATES THAT DID NOT ENTER THE TOURNAMENT!
STILL HERE took its lumps in Game Three and got bumped out of the tournament. Although we would have liked to have made it to the final level we simply ran out of guys with things like limbs and appendages that still worked. Despite that fact we agreed, as a team, that we learned what the Masters Tournament is all about and know that we can compete at this level. When were were at full strength we won convincingly. We let one game that we should have won get away from us. All of that makes us inclined to try again. More is better and we are STILL HERE!
M.V.P. - A WELL EARNED REST
Paul Stalling a.k.a Pops, a.k.a Paublo, is seen here in a rare moment of repose. Pops is the undisputed M.V.P. of STILL HERE's tournament in Buffalo having racked up game-leading points for all three games. Moreover, his energy was awesome. In the Master's tournaments opposing teams vote on who, from each team they played against, should be put on the tournament's All Star Team and Paul's name is at the top of all these lists, so he will no doubt be given that honor. Way to go Pops. You buy the beer.
STILL HERE DROPS GAME TWO IN A HEARTBREAKER. LOSS BLAMED ON CLEAN CLOTHING.
There is a maxim in war that you never hear the bullet that gets you. There is a maxim in basketball --- or there is now --- that the nerdiest guy on the court is probably going to be the guy who kicks your ass in front of your wife and kids and emotionally scars you as an athlete for the rest of your life.
We scouted the team we played this morning when they played last night. They looked like a group of lounge singers and we would have bet the farm --- if one of us owned a farm --- that we could get by them easily.
Sadly, such was not the case. We took a big lead early but couldn’t hold on and lost by six.
Body parts continue to fall off the team. Bart is officially out from his Achilles injury. Damon also was unable to play more than a few minutes this morning and is down for the count having suffered what is either a low calf pull or the lowest strained groin in the history of basketball. J.T. has pulled something behind his knee. Rick has pulled a hamstring. The game this afternoon, which is a must win, will be tough. Another bunch of lounge singers, but we’ve not had notable success against such teams.
Actually, and without naming names --- it is the consensus of STILL HERE that our loss today is directly attributable to the fact that ONE --- only one --- just one --- a single guy --- a solitary individual ---- actually changed into a CLEAN uniform after last night’s victory. Again --- I will not reveal the fact that this man was Paul Stallings. WIld horses will not drag from me the name of Paul Stallings. I will go to my grave with the secret that Paul Stallings changed into a clean uniform for this morning’s game.
It is a cardinal rule of Old Man basketball that after a win, the stench that permeates the team bus is the smell of VICTORY. Good karma is not to be messed with. Lady Luck demands that rank, crusty underwear remain unchanged. Socks must not even be reversed. The Basketball Gods have little tolerance in these matters. Clean up the smallest stain, flick off the smallest crumb of dried snot from a winning jersey, and it will most certainly create a Butterfly Effect resulting not only in the loss of your next game, but your children will all instantly become ugly, your wife will leave you for another woman, and the French will conquer the planet. Far better to reek like aged Alpine cheese. It is a small price to pay for glory.
STILL HERE WINS GAME ONE IN BUFFALO BY 18 POINTS DESPITE ED SMITH PULLING A BUTT MUSCLE AND LOSING HIS ABILITY TO SEE IN COLOR.
STILL HERE played a balanced game to take the first round of the 50-55 age category at the Buffalo Masters, winning by 18 points.
The victory was not without its price. Ed Smith reports that one of his butt muscles no longer functions. We are unsure of what it actually did in the days when it was functioning. No one has asked Ed for additional details. Additionally, Ed’s excellent efforts on defense resulted in so much physical exertion that he claims to have lost his ability to see in color. Bear in mind --- this is day one of a three day tournament. We fully expect further injuries to Ed’s ass in the near future and will update our readers accordingly.
Bart Skinner was also a casualty with a strained Achilles tendon although skeptics suspect the he is sandbagging in order to sleep in tomorrow and watch cartoons. In the Skinner family tradition, Bart began what he obviously intended to be a coast-to-coast breakaway a solid 100 yards from the STILL HERE bucket. In fairness to Bart his first step was truly explosive. Regrettably, it was his only step --- unless you count the interesting jig he did prior to collapsing on the court looking like a man being eaten by fire ants.
Kudos go to Paul Stallings who was the STILL HERE M.V.P. with about 300 points. As Bart has pointed out, Pops sometimes plays like a man who looks like he needs a hug. Angry Paul was in full force tonight and even his teammates stepped aside in fear. Seriously, though, the old fart played like he was trying to impress a woman in the audience. Oh ---- wait ---- he was.
D-Rex was unstoppable inside. Rock hit three or four three pointers (there is disagreement on this issue) for no other reason than to be able to tell Rick Noland he did so. Rick Burgess lived up to his rep for long range shooting. Steve pulled out the Vanilla Quake And Shake Move and, as always, J.T. played balls out for the whole game.
As might be predicted, an inter-squad dilemma developed when Rock, who has given up beer for Lent, raised the hopeful question of whether or not Guinness, because it is a stout, may not in fact be a beer and therefore permissible to drink. This potential loophole was verified by a quick call to team attorney Colonel Robert Campbell, Esq., who, without hesitation, affirmed that both the Vatican and Houlihan’s Pub have agreed that stout is NOT a beer, therefore exempt from Lenten prohibitions. To be safe Rock drank Crown and Seven. We are a cautious team and reluctant to irritate God during tournament time.
Four hours until wake-up call for the next game. The unreasonable urges for sleep and sobriety call.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
IDLE MOMENTS BEFORE SHUFFLING OFF TO BUFFALO
The earlier preview to the STILL HERE road trip to Buffalo brought a drove of responses, all related to issues of physical deterioration.
Rick Noland reminds us that, in addition to the collective laundry list of mechanical difficulties noted in the previous posting, Rock Supan also is a member of the ZIPPER CLUB, having had 114 valves, 63 aortas, three beagles, two canoes and a Fallopian tube replaced in and around his heart several years ago. God only knows what other players on this squad are NOT admitting to. I know that J.T. is old enough to have served in the Spanish American War and probably suffers from relapses of malaria and crotch rot.
On a side note, Rick also comments that Rock has given most of the rest of us our own heart attacks based on his shot selections --- but I think that’s just Rick picking on a coronary victim.
Speaking of pleasantries such as heart attacks, some of you will remember the day Boris Williams had his while playing buckets at Washington Court. He was highly pissed off, not that he was being carted away in an ambulance, but because his team was just about to win at the time his ticker decided to shut down. We have long ago bestowed upon Boris (who recovered, by-the-by), the STILL HERE HE HAS A BAD HEART BUT BIG BALLS AWARD for having said to his doctor, while still in the Emergency Room: “I hope the hell this doesn’t mean I have to quit basketball!”
Mark Scotch, famous northern Wisconsin point guard also wrote in. Mark had been invited to do the Buffalo trip but deferred because he has a bunion. He claims it is from excessive skiing during the 1,000 days of Wisconsin winter, but those of us who know him well suspect it may just as well have resulted from many year’s worth of Saturday nights doing the Green Bay Macarena dance wearing stiletto high heels that are too tight for his hairy feet. He notes that he is using an orthotic to contain the bunion and we had a nostalgic dialogue remembering days before we even knew the word “orthotic” existed.
Closing out this warm ramble about basketball as it relates to disease, broken bodies and the inevitability of death’s cold clammy hand grabbing the jock strap of every mother’s son ---- a bunch of us were sitting around the locker room at Medina Rec, sweating and gasping after playing a few games during lunch hour. A teenage kid --- you know the kind --- sauntered in to get his Abercrombie & Filch clothes out of the locker. Looking around in something less than awe he observed: “Looks like a scene from the movie Cocoon.”
We would have chased and beaten him --- but who had the energy to do so?
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
STILL HERE ENTERS BUFFALO MASTERS TOURNAMENT WITH 9 GUYS AND A TOTAL OF 8 WORKING BODY PARTS.
STILL HERE will be wheezing its way to Buffalo, New York on March 14-16 to compete in the 50-55 year-old bracket of the Masters Basketball Tournament.
The roster is comprised of the following suspects:
Damon Skinner
Paul Stallings
Rock Supan
Steve Meadows
John Takacs
Bart Skinner
Ed Smith
Rick Burgess
Mark Bruner
We are dedicating this road trip as the CAN I DRINK JOE ROG'S SHARE OF THE BEER? TOUR, in honor of Brother Joe who had planned on playing but decided instead to have leech handlers root around his gall bladder. You know how Joe is--- anything for a day off. Get healthy, Joe. Not having you there to shoot three pointers will only encourage cheap imitators!
Although the remaining squad cannot whine about anything as extreme as a misplaced gall bladder, nine men have been required to assemble enough working body parts to field at least four viable players. At present I count two dislocated shoulders (not on the same guy) --- two broken fingers --- one chronic thumb injury --- one very sore Achilles heel --- two cases of extreme shortness (not everyone can be a center or power forward) --- and eight instances of guys whose jerseys will be tight enough to resemble sausage casings.
We are, in fact, a large team. At least widthwise. With the exception of J.T., who is actually in shape, the rest of us deserve to be standing around a County Fair with signs on our necks offering: GUESS BIG DADDY'S WEIGHT AND WIN A STUFFED HIPPO!
Moreover, we are shy on ballhandlers and three point shooters. That is not to say that we are shy on guys who THINK they can handle the ball and shoot three-pointers. The dynamic, therefore, will result in humor for the game recaps.
Apart from that, there are the usual maladies that accompany older-than-dirt basketball. Some of us cannot get through a quarter without peeing twice. Our first game on Friday is at 9:30 pm which means that some of us will not be sober and Damon will require a long nap, something which he has the tendency to do while actually on the court. Then there are the food allergies which, for most of us, means that if we don't constantly eat we break out in hives.
Fortunately, for our chances of victory, both D-Rex and Pops are bringing fans of the female persuasion. STILL HERE has, for many years, lived and played by the adage that we score an additional six points per man per cheering woman in the stands. We may be short on gas but still have a few dribbles of testosterone in the bag (at least figuratively speaking). It's a well known fact that everyone knows when Paul has a fan of the fair sex in the stands because his first shot invariably is a 360 turnaround jumper from half court.
But enough of the preview. Stay tuned for reports from the road. We may not be much to look at but we talk a great game.
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